Stones, Greek and Ugali

By T Gathima

Hopefully you will find some time for alternative news this Monday morning

This week rant begins from a very unlikely source, a relatively unknown gentleman called Kidero (ok so I lied- shoot me)

This man Kidero, in his infinite wisdom decided to plant flowers to welcome Obama to Kenya. He claims that the flowers are worth 40 million. I believe him. Those flowers are worth 40m, esp when you add the dried grass, and some of the free red soil.

Im not worried about the cost. Nope, no way, what worries me is the stones. Now, some old man leading the students union, soo old he is called Babu, decided that since the government student loans which the students rely on for booze et al had been delayed, it was time to call for a peaceful protest.

Our dear governor in all his infinite wisdom has decided to line the highway along which these ‘peaceful’ protests take place with stones. So to recap, stoned students will find stones to stone passers-by who have nothing to do with the delay in HELB. Btw why don’t they change the Board in HELB into Program or Authority making it HELP or HELA. Helb sounds like my first lady (who is also DP and acting president depending on the time of month or day of week) when she has a flu.

FLOGH (first lady of gathima household): “sweetie helb me”

Me: (no fancy acronym-its me writing dammit) “You need a student loan?”

Me: Ducks shoe and daggers (lame humour will be the death of me)

A lot of the time she sounds like she is talking Greek. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who has a flu? Doesn’t make any sense at all. Except when it’s a man. And he has a flu. A.k.a a manflu. Its medically proven to be 100 times worse than child birth, akin to flaying. Manflu, mans worst known affliction. (if my house were a democracy, there would have been a coup by now).

Speaking of Greek: Greece has loans and has defaulted on them. It was expected, and there is varied opinion out there on what should be done, what should have been done, what needs to be done and what will be done. End of the day, they are screwed. How is this relevant? While we buy ‘holiday homes’ and ‘prime plots’ in Kenya for millions, properties in Greece at the Mediterranean are being sold for a song. Sijui niseme… have a few million, instead of buying a ka plot in some random place called Kantafu or bisil, go to Athens…

Our budget was read the other week. It was ambitious, 2.1 trillion. With a T. where this money is to come from, we don’t really know, lakini we are resourceful fellows. I have a suggestion. We have a breed of civil servants who are very enterprising. The policemen are the best of the lot. Just last week, a former finance chief in Kideros government had his bank accounts unfrozen and they contained a total of 1.3 billion. For someone who only earned 133k per month, I think he has extraordinary skills which should be put to use.

Give him control of the exchequer, give him taxes of about 20 billion and he with all the other entrepreneurial top cops should be able to do a Jesus miracle and get enough money to run our economy. Seriously, give these guys more responsibility. 1.3 freakin billion in an account. The problem with these guys is lacking creativity. How do you even know the money is there. Once a week, I’d go to the bank, ask them to withdraw the money, I’d then place it on the ground and roll around in it-all of it. That’s the only reason I’d keep that kind of cash in my bank. Better idea, export the guy to Greece and the greater EU to sort out their debt. These extraordinary men and women of immeasurable fiscal talents need not be confined to Africa.

The Supreme court decided that consenting adults can marry across the united states. This news was met with many colorful responses. Literally. Christians were and still are pissed off by this decision, so angry were some of them, that suddenly bible verses were quoted, judgements were passed.

Those same verses incidentally talk about other transgressions. How come the quoting is only done selectively? Why are we all so touchy (pun intended) about bedroom matters?

Leave people alone. Why cant we as Christians just practice what Christ said and simply show our neighbors love? Who made us God to judge our fellow human beings?

Then some silly adults decided to reenact the crucifixion… best way to give ammo to a crazed extremist is to justfy his actions by mocking his beliefs… AAARRRRGGGGHHHH Idiots all around us.

As those closets were being flung open, a loving wife decided to buy her OOsband a car worth 10 million. Flew him in a chopper to Naivasha, gift wrapped the whole thing and posted it on social media, men cheered, women were filled with envy, the taxman pounced and the creditors came out of the woodwork. Mental note, if you must floss, do it in private. have you seen a kiuk baba, who is worth hundreds of millions, ask him how biz is going, he will say ‘tunajaribu tu’. Social media is not very social. Also send her to Greece. She will show Germany where to shove their so called debts.

This week I was stuck on epic traffic.. its like we are practicing for Obama’s visit. The cops keep you immobile for 45 minutes as all other lanes are released, then when you start moving, some person who is busy hanging their teeth (like men from Galilee) you know the type-if it’s a man, he is in a white premio, if it’s a woman (women are the worst) she is in one of those Toyotas-with-funny-names Ist, Platz, Vitz, Auris, Actis, Ractis, Yaris, Passo, Porte. Leaning forward in the I-will-not-let-you-pass stance, as if you are racing towards an imaginary finish line, keeps you for another few minutes blocking your path. One day, when our supreme court allows SSM, not Same Sex Marriage, Semiautomatic Sub Machine guns (heheheh) to be mounted (hehehehe I said mounted) on our cars, I will just lose it and spit real saliva on someones car (you thought i’d say ill shoot them).

Lupita alipita na hakupika ugali. I will now go and trade my ugali making skills for her Oscar. Do you really think she cares what we think about her lack of ugali making skills? Do we really think that Jareee (how in my head Jared Leto’s name is said with a Kenyan accent) cares about her ugali making skills? Do you think her guns (hizo biceps) will be shindwad to songa an ugali if she set her mind to it?

Meanwhile we await Obama’s response to Mugabe’s proposal.