By NJOKI CHEGE
A “daddy” pastor tuned 50 the other day. Rumour has it that his “wonderful” congregation decided to bless this man of God with a private jet. Turns out it was just that; a rumour.The man of God, this consecrated Bishop of the Lord, has since cleared it all up. It was all a mix up, he said in an interview with a local rag. Agents of the devil — madimoni — hacked his account, downloaded a picture from the Internet and uploaded it on Instagram, complete with a caption.Make no mistake, his dream of owning a private jet is still alive and valid and guess what, brothers and sisters in Christ, that jet inakuja kwa Amani. Today I am not bothered with a selfie-crazed, Instagram-obsessed 50-year-old man displaying teenage behaviour in biblical proportions. I am going to refrain from discussing a torn jeans-wearing, colourful coat-donning, prosperity gospel proprietor masquerading as “bishop”.

MUMMY PASTOR

I am not going to talk about a wealthy but classless mummy pastor tottering around the pulpit in vertiginous heels, speaking in twanging tongues, wearing a weave of many colours. (God, not only loves a cheerful giver, but a colourful weaver too).

I won’t even focus on the godly couple numero uno, the PDA-for-the-camera experts, the ones that try too hard to portray an image of a happily married couple. After all, a couple that preys together, stays together, no?

I shall today, focus on you, the flock. The daughter of zayuni, from whose purse a couple thrives. There is simply no other way to put this; you are a fool. A complete idiot.

I will call you an idiot and a fool in a national paper because what you attend every Sunday and first Saturday of the month is not a church but a cult.

You are part of an urban, prosperity-gospel mongering cult that leads you to foolishly and adoringly refer to your pastors as “mummy” and “daddy”. A cult that has brainwashed you into believing that you need to dig deep into your purse to gift daddy pastor an expensive car for a birthday gift.

You are in a cult if you are in a church that hardly accounts for its monies to its members because you are “not supposed to question the man of God”.

WORSHIP YOUR PASTORS

You are in a cult if you adore and worship your pastors more that you worship God. You are in a cult if you think that God will bless you if you simply do what your “mummy” and “daddy” pastor say to please them.

You are in a cult if you spend more money in church activities in the form of tithes, offerings, seeds and pledges than in your own home. You are in a cult if you consult “mummy” pastor before making any move in your life.

You, my daughter of zayuni, are in a cult if you retweet your “mummy” pastor more than you pray.

Please read the Bible again, you are transformed by the renewal of your mind, not removal of your mind.

You are part of a cult that has made you believe that the reason you are still single and unhappy at 33 is because you have not tithed enough yet. That if you just tithed a little more, that if you graduated from picking the Sh5,000 envelope to Sh20,000, the Lord will bless you with the man of your dreams, care of mummy pastor.

A cult that drills into you homily after homily on “giving”, takes your tithe and offering before preaching, and then preaches to you on how to give.

ORGANISED CRIME

Yes, my dear daughter of zayuni, that is not a congregation you are part of, that is organised crime camouflaged as a church.

Does it not bother you, that “mummy” and “daddy” pastor are swimming in wealth as you wallow in loans and debts trying to split your meagre salary between tithing on Sunday and paying your bills?

That golf-playing man you call “dad” is not your father but a complete stranger. He is not your “daddy”. The only difference between your “daddy” pastor and pastor “panda mbegu” is that “daddy” Pastor has discovered Instagram. Both are businessmen out to make money from your modest salary.

Please, do not insult the weight of that special title “mummy” by using it on a conwoman. Spend that money on your real parents, the ones who gave birth to you and painstakingly raised you, sacrificing so much to put you through school to be where you are today.

M-Pesa that 10K to your long-suffering real mother to buy herself something nice. Your parents raised a godly, intelligent daughter, not a deluded daughter of zayuni that jumps when “mummy” pastor coughs. Don’t disappoint your real parents.

Can I hear an Amen?